PTSD can trigger some bad memories
Paige's mono test came back negative- hooray! But on the flip side, then what made her temp spike so high? Can you have strep and a viral infection at the same time?
Or did we deal with strep that long before we treated it?
Tuesday afternoon when I picked the kids up from school, they jumped in the car and we began the usual, "How was your day?" routine. Paige stopped me and said, "Mommy? You don't have to work today do you??" I told her it was one of my regular after school work days and she said, "NO! I really don't want you to work today!"
My separation anxiety radar went off. She seemed to not be giving me all the details when I asked her why, so we continued on with the school report.
When I returned from work, I noticed that she was blinking her eyes more than usual. I asked her if they felt OK, and she said, "Oh, I'm fine, my necklace just hit me in the eye." I looked closer and didn't have any major concerns. She really wanted to go to her soccer practice since she found out she was cleared to play contact sports, so she dressed, ate a quick dinner, and we were off in the car with the boys.
I glanced in the rear view mirror to see her blinking her eyes again. Started to get a little alarmed, so I checked the boys in the same manner to see if I was just being oversensitive to the number of blinks.
And then I saw it.
LONG blinks.
She did a few faced forward, and then turned to look out her window, and I saw the same pattern. Little blinks followed by long blinks.
I thought in my head, "It's a tic."
I just about vomited right then and there in the car.
I studied her during practice, and she ran back for a few water breaks, scrunching up her nose (something I haven't ever seen her do before), and all I could think was:
facial grimaces.
I couldn't possibly believe that we would be headed down this same pathway that we walked with Hunter. The week following his 104 fever, we witnessed the eye blinking tic for the first time.
A week post Paige's 105 fever, I thought we were seeing the same.
Today, even though I haven't been around her much due to my work schedule and her dance practice, I haven't noticed the "tic." I put it in quotes, because could it just have been exhaustion? Getting hit in the eye?
Pure coincidence that she had separation anxiety the same afternoon?
The gut in me told me she was going to be fine. But my brain continued to wander...
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I truly think anyone who has gone through some type of life-altering event can suffer from PTSD-
after all, did we ever think something like this could happen to us?
And at the slightest bit of regression, or commonalities to this so-called event, don't we all drift to the what-ifs and jump to conclusions?
I came down from the ledge this morning after a (sort of) nights rest, and I have to solely rely now on my faith.
Tonight as I was putting Hunter to bed, he asked me to sing "The Truth" song.
https://youtu.be/L_M6a3enqnE
It's really called, "When You Say Nothing At All." I have sung this song to Hunter since he was a baby...not sure why I sang it to him one night, but he random request tonight made me smile.
When I finished the song, smiling at his beautiful not-so-baby-face-anymore, he said, "Did you sing that song to me when I was little?"
I started to tell him a story. "When you were around 3 or 4, you had a hard time falling asleep. I would sing this song to you to help you go to sleep."
He stopped me. "What would I do if I couldn't fall asleep?"
"Well, Hunter, sometimes you would get out of bed a hundred times. I would have to keep putting you back in your bed. Other times you would cry, or kick the wall sometimes when you had a really hard time calming down."
His lips started to droop. "Were you mad at me? Did I hit you??" as his eyes filled with tears.
I started to cry myself. I reassured him that no, I wasn't mad at him, and that sometimes he couldn't help it. Last week, I read BRAIN ON FIRE- it is a true story about a woman going through encephalitis. Hunter read the title and said, "What does brain on fire mean?" I told him that it didn't mean her brain had real fire, but she had a hard time calming it down.
So tonight, after I had reassured him that no, I wasn't mad at him, and I would always love him, he sputtered out between tears, "Did I have brain on fire Mommy?"
I kid you not.
I tried the best to explain that all kids have a hard time going to bed when they are 3 or 4, because they want to spend time with their parents, play, etc.
But his OCD kicked in, and he asked, over and over again, "But did I hit YOU Mommy?"
"Are you mad at me?"
"Was my brain on fire?"
And then, choking back my own tears, he cried, "But I'm afraid I will get it again."
So many moments throughout this journey, I have asked myself that same question. Will we ever experience the same regression we lived through for several years?
Man, parenting is hard.
You have to put that game face on, and dry your own tears so you can calm the fears of your own child. And then you have to tirelessly reassure them that everything is going to be OK, even if you have hidden doubts yourself.
Today, I need to believe that we will never go back to that dark, dark place.
"Today," by Johathan Thulin: https://youtu.be/3wJzGsPEgGk
I know you sit and wonder,
Where you are going,
I know the things you've been through,
Are sometimes hard to let go,
It was a faith that brought you to this place,
That gave you words to say
I'm telling you
Not where you've been,
Not who you are,
But the man you are today,
Is what I see, is what I know,
I don't care about the rest,
You are free, you've been made new,
Know that I look up to you,
For who you are, who you are
Today..
Sometimes you feel so empty,
Don't quite know where to go,
I'm telling you things are gonna get better,
You gonna see it through,
Cause it was strength,
That brought you this place,
That gave you hands of grace
I'm telling you
Not where you've been,
Not who you are,
But the man you are today,
Is what I see, is what I know,
I don't care about the rest,
You are free, you've been made new
Know that I look up to you
For who you are, who you are
Today..
Today..
It easy to keep thinking,
About what you could have been,
But look at what you are,
A child of the creator,
The risen son of man,
Lives inside of you,
Now yesterday is over,
The past is in the past,
You've been set free..
Not where you've been
Not who you were,
Is what I see, is what I know,
I don't care about the rest..
You are free, you've been made new
Know that I look up to you
For who you are, who you are..
who you are, who you are..
who you are, in Christ Today..
Today..
Or did we deal with strep that long before we treated it?
Tuesday afternoon when I picked the kids up from school, they jumped in the car and we began the usual, "How was your day?" routine. Paige stopped me and said, "Mommy? You don't have to work today do you??" I told her it was one of my regular after school work days and she said, "NO! I really don't want you to work today!"
My separation anxiety radar went off. She seemed to not be giving me all the details when I asked her why, so we continued on with the school report.
When I returned from work, I noticed that she was blinking her eyes more than usual. I asked her if they felt OK, and she said, "Oh, I'm fine, my necklace just hit me in the eye." I looked closer and didn't have any major concerns. She really wanted to go to her soccer practice since she found out she was cleared to play contact sports, so she dressed, ate a quick dinner, and we were off in the car with the boys.
I glanced in the rear view mirror to see her blinking her eyes again. Started to get a little alarmed, so I checked the boys in the same manner to see if I was just being oversensitive to the number of blinks.
And then I saw it.
LONG blinks.
She did a few faced forward, and then turned to look out her window, and I saw the same pattern. Little blinks followed by long blinks.
I thought in my head, "It's a tic."
I just about vomited right then and there in the car.
I studied her during practice, and she ran back for a few water breaks, scrunching up her nose (something I haven't ever seen her do before), and all I could think was:
facial grimaces.
I couldn't possibly believe that we would be headed down this same pathway that we walked with Hunter. The week following his 104 fever, we witnessed the eye blinking tic for the first time.
A week post Paige's 105 fever, I thought we were seeing the same.
Today, even though I haven't been around her much due to my work schedule and her dance practice, I haven't noticed the "tic." I put it in quotes, because could it just have been exhaustion? Getting hit in the eye?
Pure coincidence that she had separation anxiety the same afternoon?
The gut in me told me she was going to be fine. But my brain continued to wander...
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I truly think anyone who has gone through some type of life-altering event can suffer from PTSD-
after all, did we ever think something like this could happen to us?
And at the slightest bit of regression, or commonalities to this so-called event, don't we all drift to the what-ifs and jump to conclusions?
I came down from the ledge this morning after a (sort of) nights rest, and I have to solely rely now on my faith.
Tonight as I was putting Hunter to bed, he asked me to sing "The Truth" song.
https://youtu.be/L_M6a3enqnE
It's really called, "When You Say Nothing At All." I have sung this song to Hunter since he was a baby...not sure why I sang it to him one night, but he random request tonight made me smile.
When I finished the song, smiling at his beautiful not-so-baby-face-anymore, he said, "Did you sing that song to me when I was little?"
I started to tell him a story. "When you were around 3 or 4, you had a hard time falling asleep. I would sing this song to you to help you go to sleep."
He stopped me. "What would I do if I couldn't fall asleep?"
"Well, Hunter, sometimes you would get out of bed a hundred times. I would have to keep putting you back in your bed. Other times you would cry, or kick the wall sometimes when you had a really hard time calming down."
His lips started to droop. "Were you mad at me? Did I hit you??" as his eyes filled with tears.
I started to cry myself. I reassured him that no, I wasn't mad at him, and that sometimes he couldn't help it. Last week, I read BRAIN ON FIRE- it is a true story about a woman going through encephalitis. Hunter read the title and said, "What does brain on fire mean?" I told him that it didn't mean her brain had real fire, but she had a hard time calming it down.
So tonight, after I had reassured him that no, I wasn't mad at him, and I would always love him, he sputtered out between tears, "Did I have brain on fire Mommy?"
I kid you not.
I tried the best to explain that all kids have a hard time going to bed when they are 3 or 4, because they want to spend time with their parents, play, etc.
But his OCD kicked in, and he asked, over and over again, "But did I hit YOU Mommy?"
"Are you mad at me?"
"Was my brain on fire?"
And then, choking back my own tears, he cried, "But I'm afraid I will get it again."
So many moments throughout this journey, I have asked myself that same question. Will we ever experience the same regression we lived through for several years?
Man, parenting is hard.
You have to put that game face on, and dry your own tears so you can calm the fears of your own child. And then you have to tirelessly reassure them that everything is going to be OK, even if you have hidden doubts yourself.
Today, I need to believe that we will never go back to that dark, dark place.
"Today," by Johathan Thulin: https://youtu.be/3wJzGsPEgGk
I know you sit and wonder,
Where you are going,
I know the things you've been through,
Are sometimes hard to let go,
It was a faith that brought you to this place,
That gave you words to say
I'm telling you
Not where you've been,
Not who you are,
But the man you are today,
Is what I see, is what I know,
I don't care about the rest,
You are free, you've been made new,
Know that I look up to you,
For who you are, who you are
Today..
Sometimes you feel so empty,
Don't quite know where to go,
I'm telling you things are gonna get better,
You gonna see it through,
Cause it was strength,
That brought you this place,
That gave you hands of grace
I'm telling you
Not where you've been,
Not who you are,
But the man you are today,
Is what I see, is what I know,
I don't care about the rest,
You are free, you've been made new
Know that I look up to you
For who you are, who you are
Today..
Today..
It easy to keep thinking,
About what you could have been,
But look at what you are,
A child of the creator,
The risen son of man,
Lives inside of you,
Now yesterday is over,
The past is in the past,
You've been set free..
Not where you've been
Not who you were,
Is what I see, is what I know,
I don't care about the rest..
You are free, you've been made new
Know that I look up to you
For who you are, who you are..
who you are, who you are..
who you are, in Christ Today..
Today..
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