winter blues and sacred blessings
wow, has it really been 2 months since I have blogged? Where in the world does the time go??
So, to recap 60+ days in a short blog, we have had our ups and downs. So many great days; so many hard, hard days.
We have had back and forth illness, from strep for every member of the family, to ear infections, viral infections, flu, antibiotic reactions, random vomiting, an ER visit for me from some type of food reaction...lets safely say we've probably reached our deductible.
Throughout all of the illness, Peter and I have learned the importance of flexible scheduling and the ability to laugh. How can you get through vomit on the carpet without laughing? I mean, I actually congratulated Paige when she threw up all over the floor because she has suffered from anxiety for almost 2 years from the fear of vomiting. So when she finally spilled it all on her bedroom carpet, I hugged her and told her how proud I was of her.
Yep, I was a proud mama of my girl for upchucking all over the place.
So as I smiled, cleaning up the vomit, I had to hold back a chuckle at the my last statement.
Hunter has somehow remained "healthy" through most of the illness. However, his mental state did not escape the germs floating around our home. We have multiple videos of complete rage, tantrums, and other events that happened as a direct result of his body going into overdrive. Strep antibodies= overproduction= brain on fire= behavior.
We have had to miss events, take him away from Peyton's birthday party, and adjust our schedule to the behavior that used to rule our lives. And that's when the doubts started to take place.
Have we done too much?
Have we not done enough?
Where are you, God?
HAVEN'T WE GONE THROUGH ENOUGH, TO NOT HAVE YOU TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
Paige, Peter, and I all went to confession before the start of Lent. Honestly, I hadn't been to confession in years. Yes, I have confessed in my prayer time, but not to a priest for absolution. I asked the priest to intercede in my forgiveness for my anger towards God for taking away our "normal" life.
The relief I felt stating my deepest feelings was immediate, and I waited for his response....
but honestly, I didn't understand a word the priest said besides my prayer penance. I had to laugh at the irony.
However, this weekend, I was given the gift of time by my sweet, amazing husband to attend a retreat at our church- 7 AM Sat until 4PM Sunday- to focus on my faith, religion, and self-exploration. What a gift.
Here's the irony of THIS situation. We joked the night before, how my alarm wouldn't go off, I would miss the start, etc. After putting teary kids to bed, Peyton needing my picture "to stare at all night," and feeling the mom guilt, I double checked the alarm and we went to bed. At 6:55AM, Peter woke me in a startle and said, "Aren't you supposed to be there at 7?"
Yes, my alarm didn't go off. My dying phone came unplugged from the wall and never charged, thus shutting my power off. I scrambled to shower and get out of the house in, yes, 14 minutes flat. I ended up getting to the church 18 minutes late, and there were 4 ladies there to receive me and all of my gear. I was talking in a panic, explaining the situation, and three of the women laughed with me, walking my stuff in. I went back out to introduce myself to the 4th woman, and she said, "Erika, I have been waiting for you to come!" I instantly felt at ease and excited to start the weekend. Only later the next day did I realize she was the face of Jesus, waiting for me to be called back to the root of my faith. She was my table leader for the weekend, but HE was waiting for me to come home.
We experienced so many moments of intervention, of signs, of deepening in my belief in God- I can't truly put into words what this weekend did for me. Spiritually, but also emotionally.
I realized how much guilt and anger I have been carrying around, somewhere in the depth of my being, when on the surface I could tell myself and others that I was past the "why."
I was able to experience Confession again, and this time, as I sat face to face with a priest I just met, I heard him tell me the most important message I needed to hear:
"You need to mourn the death of the ideal life, as there IS no ideal life."
"The anger you are experiencing is the reaction to a sense of powerlessness" (not sure how he realized I was a Type A person, as I walked in there with my notebook and pen and organized list).
"A part of the grace that your son has offered to you is letting go of the disappointment of our expectations."
I realized how true his last statement was- with high expectations, we are doomed for failure from the start.
There was a quote in our journal book that I took to heart.
"There are two ways to live life, one is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."- Albert Einstein
I changed at that moment. I realized that instead of harboring feelings of doubt, hurt, anger, resentment from what was wrong with my life, I should focus on praising Him for what is completely right in my life. My husband. My health. My children. My family. My friends.
One of our activities was to open the Bible to any page, and find a scripture that spoke to you. Here was mine:
Job 5;19: Out of six troubles, He will deliver you, and at the seventh, no evil shall touch you.
Throughout our life, we will have many trials that will seem daunting, overwhelming, unfair, never-relenting- but we will persevere.
There was another quote from Mother Theresa that seemed to speak to me as well:
"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today.
Let us begin."
Stop worrying about the why and the how. Stop worrying about the what ifs, or what will be's.
Focus on the present and get to work. For in order to achieve the ultimate peace, I need to start small. Start with today.
And keep putting one foot in front of the other.
So, to recap 60+ days in a short blog, we have had our ups and downs. So many great days; so many hard, hard days.
We have had back and forth illness, from strep for every member of the family, to ear infections, viral infections, flu, antibiotic reactions, random vomiting, an ER visit for me from some type of food reaction...lets safely say we've probably reached our deductible.
Throughout all of the illness, Peter and I have learned the importance of flexible scheduling and the ability to laugh. How can you get through vomit on the carpet without laughing? I mean, I actually congratulated Paige when she threw up all over the floor because she has suffered from anxiety for almost 2 years from the fear of vomiting. So when she finally spilled it all on her bedroom carpet, I hugged her and told her how proud I was of her.
Yep, I was a proud mama of my girl for upchucking all over the place.
So as I smiled, cleaning up the vomit, I had to hold back a chuckle at the my last statement.
Hunter has somehow remained "healthy" through most of the illness. However, his mental state did not escape the germs floating around our home. We have multiple videos of complete rage, tantrums, and other events that happened as a direct result of his body going into overdrive. Strep antibodies= overproduction= brain on fire= behavior.
We have had to miss events, take him away from Peyton's birthday party, and adjust our schedule to the behavior that used to rule our lives. And that's when the doubts started to take place.
Have we done too much?
Have we not done enough?
Where are you, God?
HAVEN'T WE GONE THROUGH ENOUGH, TO NOT HAVE YOU TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
Paige, Peter, and I all went to confession before the start of Lent. Honestly, I hadn't been to confession in years. Yes, I have confessed in my prayer time, but not to a priest for absolution. I asked the priest to intercede in my forgiveness for my anger towards God for taking away our "normal" life.
The relief I felt stating my deepest feelings was immediate, and I waited for his response....
but honestly, I didn't understand a word the priest said besides my prayer penance. I had to laugh at the irony.
However, this weekend, I was given the gift of time by my sweet, amazing husband to attend a retreat at our church- 7 AM Sat until 4PM Sunday- to focus on my faith, religion, and self-exploration. What a gift.
Here's the irony of THIS situation. We joked the night before, how my alarm wouldn't go off, I would miss the start, etc. After putting teary kids to bed, Peyton needing my picture "to stare at all night," and feeling the mom guilt, I double checked the alarm and we went to bed. At 6:55AM, Peter woke me in a startle and said, "Aren't you supposed to be there at 7?"
Yes, my alarm didn't go off. My dying phone came unplugged from the wall and never charged, thus shutting my power off. I scrambled to shower and get out of the house in, yes, 14 minutes flat. I ended up getting to the church 18 minutes late, and there were 4 ladies there to receive me and all of my gear. I was talking in a panic, explaining the situation, and three of the women laughed with me, walking my stuff in. I went back out to introduce myself to the 4th woman, and she said, "Erika, I have been waiting for you to come!" I instantly felt at ease and excited to start the weekend. Only later the next day did I realize she was the face of Jesus, waiting for me to be called back to the root of my faith. She was my table leader for the weekend, but HE was waiting for me to come home.
We experienced so many moments of intervention, of signs, of deepening in my belief in God- I can't truly put into words what this weekend did for me. Spiritually, but also emotionally.
I realized how much guilt and anger I have been carrying around, somewhere in the depth of my being, when on the surface I could tell myself and others that I was past the "why."
I was able to experience Confession again, and this time, as I sat face to face with a priest I just met, I heard him tell me the most important message I needed to hear:
"You need to mourn the death of the ideal life, as there IS no ideal life."
"The anger you are experiencing is the reaction to a sense of powerlessness" (not sure how he realized I was a Type A person, as I walked in there with my notebook and pen and organized list).
"A part of the grace that your son has offered to you is letting go of the disappointment of our expectations."
I realized how true his last statement was- with high expectations, we are doomed for failure from the start.
There was a quote in our journal book that I took to heart.
"There are two ways to live life, one is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."- Albert Einstein
I changed at that moment. I realized that instead of harboring feelings of doubt, hurt, anger, resentment from what was wrong with my life, I should focus on praising Him for what is completely right in my life. My husband. My health. My children. My family. My friends.
One of our activities was to open the Bible to any page, and find a scripture that spoke to you. Here was mine:
Job 5;19: Out of six troubles, He will deliver you, and at the seventh, no evil shall touch you.
Throughout our life, we will have many trials that will seem daunting, overwhelming, unfair, never-relenting- but we will persevere.
There was another quote from Mother Theresa that seemed to speak to me as well:
"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today.
Let us begin."
Stop worrying about the why and the how. Stop worrying about the what ifs, or what will be's.
Focus on the present and get to work. For in order to achieve the ultimate peace, I need to start small. Start with today.
And keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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