School achievements, holiday blues, and that circling grief
Thanksgiving was here and gone. We spent the day at a sweet friend's house and then had a group of adults and kids join us at our home for dessert, football games, and fellowship. Such a fun (and late!) night!
As I have said many times before, the holidays bring so much joy, but for some reason, we have to have that anxiety tag along. Hunter returned from his IVIG #14 with ZERO trouble in transitioning- he was out of school for two weeks, and ran in the door when I dropped him through the loop that next Monday morning. His teacher has noted his social increases- he has made multiple attempts to talk with varying peer groups, participated in group discussions, and has had better attention.
Smooth sailing, right? Last week I had to remind myself we had a child with Autism, as we hustled and bustled along with the rest of the country in preparation for the upcoming holiday.
This weekend- not sure what happened, but as the countdown calendar neared the single digits, Hunter's anxiety took off. Of course, we had many factors: daddy out of town, school programs, changes in routine, Christmas decorations...
Constant reminders, EVERYWHERE, that things are different.
His early wakings to search for Elfie, the 4:30AM wakeup call on St. Nick day to see if he filled his stocking and shoes by the door, the constant asking for "cookie decorating with friends, " the countdown calendar ("Mommy, how many more days???")...the list goes on.
Last night, we were invited to our friends' house, probably the family he has spent the most time with, and has gotten to know the best. They always have super fun activities, and the mother had planned a "Feliz Navidad" party- tacos, piñata, the works- I was a little nervous accepting their invitation flying solo, but I assumed that he would hold it together. We had just had two of their girls (Paige's best buddies) over the night before for pizza, reindeer crafts, and a scavenger hunt looking at the Christmas lights (thanks for the awesome idea, Brynn!)
When it was time for the piñata, all the kids ran outside, and each child took a turn with the bat. He immediately started in with the worries. "What if I don't get any candy?" "What if I can't hit it?" "What if....."
When the last person hit the piñata and it broke open, he let out the loudest, blood curdling scream I have ever heard come out of him. I immediately rushed him to the garage, trying to calm him and avoid ruining this sweet family's tradition.
But just like Halloween, he could not regroup. He cried, screamed, grabbed the biggest candy cane...and all of these sweet children came up to him, one after the other, offering him candy from their own findings. Such compassion.
For some reason, it hit me so much harder last night than most. I don't know if it was that my expectations had been squashed, or that I was embarrassed that he acted the way he did..
or was I just sad that one more holiday celebration couldn't be safe from this stupid diagnosis?
Of course, I sat crying last night as I thought about the events in self-pity. WHY us. WHY us. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.
I knew IVIG would not cure him. Or did I? Somewhere, deep down in my heart, did I think I could prove the world wrong, and we would show everyone that Autism CAN be beaten?
We have gone 14 rounds and I somehow have expectations that I told myself I would not hold onto.
But at the same time, I am so incredibly proud that our son who was once so, so sick, hasn't needed a special education classroom thus far. I'm so proud of the boy who played with four friends at soccer practice tonight instead of immediately searching for the ipad. I'm so proud of the homemade cards, 3 page stories he has created in the classroom, instead of tossing his chairs over like in days past.
Grief is so confusing.
For some reason, I remember to pray more when things are hard. I should be praying more in Thanksgiving, but I turn to God when I sit and wonder what I have done to live through these trials. My Jesus Calling book spoke to me yet again, even though I haven't opened it in months:
"I am taking care of you. Feel the warmth and security of being enveloped in My loving presence. Every detail of your life is under My control. Moreover, everything fits into a pattern for good, to those who love Me and are called according to My design and purpose. Because the world is in an abnormal, fallen condition, people tend to think that chance governs the universe. Events may seem to occur randomly, with little or no meaning. Submerged beneath the surface of the visible world are mysteries too vast for you to comprehend. If you could only see how close I am to you and how constantly I work on your behalf, you would never again doubt that I am wonderfully caring for you."
So I need to just have faith, believe, TRUST that I can let go. I can't control every aspect of this life, and I surely can't control destiny.
I need to focus on how much GOOD has come from losing normalcy, and the beauty of every small step we have accomplished in bringing this beautiful boy back.
Photo dump to follow.
Paige and I wanted to send out some Christmas cards, so we sent one to our Great-Grandpa who just moved, sent one to a soldier (see the address below), and then all the kids each sent one to a sweet little burn victim I read about on FB in NY. She didn't want any presents, just cards to fill their card tree. She lost all of her siblings and parents in the fire, and her aunt has custody. My kids were just as touched as I was by the story, and I was impressed and it made my heart happy to hear their compassionate questions.
Peyton's Christmas program. It is my third year to see the show, and I cried all three years during Happy Birthday Jesus. The first year, I cried because Paige looked so beautiful in her little angel costume. So proud of my first born.
The second year, I cried because Hunter did not participate. He would not walk on stage, even though he had practiced and sang in every rehearsal.
This year, I cried because I was able to see another son of ours in the shepherd costume, singing his heart out- and I knew that we were given another baby boy to have a second chance at reliving some of the sweetest moments.
It was so warm this week, we walked home from school!! We had to pick up these ginormous leaves.
And then our little Christmas party- pizza, reindeer bell craft, and scavenger hunt looking at the lights in our town.
This morning, I couldn't get us to church. I made waffles, it was raining, I was still a little blue from the night before, so we did church on our own. Complete with readings, music on the piano, Communion preparation, and final blessings. In our pjs.
Blessings for the final week before break!
As I have said many times before, the holidays bring so much joy, but for some reason, we have to have that anxiety tag along. Hunter returned from his IVIG #14 with ZERO trouble in transitioning- he was out of school for two weeks, and ran in the door when I dropped him through the loop that next Monday morning. His teacher has noted his social increases- he has made multiple attempts to talk with varying peer groups, participated in group discussions, and has had better attention.
Smooth sailing, right? Last week I had to remind myself we had a child with Autism, as we hustled and bustled along with the rest of the country in preparation for the upcoming holiday.
This weekend- not sure what happened, but as the countdown calendar neared the single digits, Hunter's anxiety took off. Of course, we had many factors: daddy out of town, school programs, changes in routine, Christmas decorations...
Constant reminders, EVERYWHERE, that things are different.
His early wakings to search for Elfie, the 4:30AM wakeup call on St. Nick day to see if he filled his stocking and shoes by the door, the constant asking for "cookie decorating with friends, " the countdown calendar ("Mommy, how many more days???")...the list goes on.
Last night, we were invited to our friends' house, probably the family he has spent the most time with, and has gotten to know the best. They always have super fun activities, and the mother had planned a "Feliz Navidad" party- tacos, piñata, the works- I was a little nervous accepting their invitation flying solo, but I assumed that he would hold it together. We had just had two of their girls (Paige's best buddies) over the night before for pizza, reindeer crafts, and a scavenger hunt looking at the Christmas lights (thanks for the awesome idea, Brynn!)
When it was time for the piñata, all the kids ran outside, and each child took a turn with the bat. He immediately started in with the worries. "What if I don't get any candy?" "What if I can't hit it?" "What if....."
When the last person hit the piñata and it broke open, he let out the loudest, blood curdling scream I have ever heard come out of him. I immediately rushed him to the garage, trying to calm him and avoid ruining this sweet family's tradition.
But just like Halloween, he could not regroup. He cried, screamed, grabbed the biggest candy cane...and all of these sweet children came up to him, one after the other, offering him candy from their own findings. Such compassion.
For some reason, it hit me so much harder last night than most. I don't know if it was that my expectations had been squashed, or that I was embarrassed that he acted the way he did..
or was I just sad that one more holiday celebration couldn't be safe from this stupid diagnosis?
Of course, I sat crying last night as I thought about the events in self-pity. WHY us. WHY us. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.
I knew IVIG would not cure him. Or did I? Somewhere, deep down in my heart, did I think I could prove the world wrong, and we would show everyone that Autism CAN be beaten?
We have gone 14 rounds and I somehow have expectations that I told myself I would not hold onto.
But at the same time, I am so incredibly proud that our son who was once so, so sick, hasn't needed a special education classroom thus far. I'm so proud of the boy who played with four friends at soccer practice tonight instead of immediately searching for the ipad. I'm so proud of the homemade cards, 3 page stories he has created in the classroom, instead of tossing his chairs over like in days past.
Grief is so confusing.
For some reason, I remember to pray more when things are hard. I should be praying more in Thanksgiving, but I turn to God when I sit and wonder what I have done to live through these trials. My Jesus Calling book spoke to me yet again, even though I haven't opened it in months:
"I am taking care of you. Feel the warmth and security of being enveloped in My loving presence. Every detail of your life is under My control. Moreover, everything fits into a pattern for good, to those who love Me and are called according to My design and purpose. Because the world is in an abnormal, fallen condition, people tend to think that chance governs the universe. Events may seem to occur randomly, with little or no meaning. Submerged beneath the surface of the visible world are mysteries too vast for you to comprehend. If you could only see how close I am to you and how constantly I work on your behalf, you would never again doubt that I am wonderfully caring for you."
So I need to just have faith, believe, TRUST that I can let go. I can't control every aspect of this life, and I surely can't control destiny.
I need to focus on how much GOOD has come from losing normalcy, and the beauty of every small step we have accomplished in bringing this beautiful boy back.
Photo dump to follow.
Writing out his Christmas list
Love this kid. Even in my lipstick.
(Unprofessional) family pictures. AKA Pictures by Mommy
Visiting our favorite Santa picture spot- crafts, activities, and carousel rides
visiting the guy in the (purple) suit
St. Nick Day!!
the aftermath
A little Christmas shopping with this buddy of mine
Paige and I wanted to send out some Christmas cards, so we sent one to our Great-Grandpa who just moved, sent one to a soldier (see the address below), and then all the kids each sent one to a sweet little burn victim I read about on FB in NY. She didn't want any presents, just cards to fill their card tree. She lost all of her siblings and parents in the fire, and her aunt has custody. My kids were just as touched as I was by the story, and I was impressed and it made my heart happy to hear their compassionate questions.
The second year, I cried because Hunter did not participate. He would not walk on stage, even though he had practiced and sang in every rehearsal.
This year, I cried because I was able to see another son of ours in the shepherd costume, singing his heart out- and I knew that we were given another baby boy to have a second chance at reliving some of the sweetest moments.
It was so warm this week, we walked home from school!! We had to pick up these ginormous leaves.
Elfie got stuck in our crafts that night.
Pinata time! Check out this swing.
This morning, I couldn't get us to church. I made waffles, it was raining, I was still a little blue from the night before, so we did church on our own. Complete with readings, music on the piano, Communion preparation, and final blessings. In our pjs.
Blessings for the final week before break!
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