I Won't Give Up
Enter Type A personality, mixed with a little bit of "control freak."
Insert the world of unknowns and unimaginables: Autism Spectrum Disorders.
After a hard, long weekend, Monday was met with a challenging day in therapy (only used imbedded reinforcers, those not as favored activities, and the clinicians had seen more behaviors that day than they ever had. Tuesday began at 4:45AM with a Hunter wake-up call. Tuesday was a hard day at the private preschool, an extremely difficult soccer practice, and by Wednesday, I was ready to snap. Driving to pick up Hunter at school, this song came on the radio:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBDmUqp0JTU
I Won't Give Up, by Jason Mraz. Beautiful words, message, our motto. My personality doesn't seem to allow for quitting...and Peter and I, both being competitive athletes at a point in our lives (his much more successful than mine:)), typically don't give up. With Hunter, it is not possible TO quit. You have to have the drive to continue the journey. Autism is so hard for me because there is no answer, no end, no way to truly "control" every situation. Extrinsic factors, such as a loud siren, or an overwhelming bowling alley, can change a mood in a second.
The phrase, "I can't do it!" has been voiced often lately. We went to a bowling birthday party last weekend, and he initially didn't want to play. After he saw the other boys throwing the ball, he decided to put the shoes on and bowl. The first few times he did great. He actually threw a couple of spares!
After the sixth frame, he slipped in the shoes and fell to the floor. After that, he was finished. Tears, incessant crying, "I can't do this!" over and over again. The birthday boy's mother came up to him and was so sweet, and all Hunter could do was yell "I don't want to bowl!!" We skipped his turn and he decided to give it one more shot the next time around, but when he grabbed his ball, he just stood there and put his head down. I knew what was about to happen, so I went over to him, and he broke down. "I don't want to bowl...."
We took his shoes off and called it a day. I don't like to end an experience on a negative note, but on the other hand, when you are a guest at a party, you don't want to create a scene. On the way to the car, he continued to cry, but once we were in the car and he was buckled safely in, he returned to normal. We talked about how fun it is to try new things, and how proud I was that he attempted a new activity.
Tuesday was his first soccer practice. Peter decided to coach his team. We thought that if he was coach, Hunter would be more comfortable and more apt to take part in the activities. He was so excited- even put his shin guards on and foreign soccer cleats, all with no trouble. He looked so cute!
He drove with Peter and I followed closely behind, in case it didn't go as planned. When we arrived, I saw Peter chasing Hunter as he ran towards the street. I quickly took Paige and Peyton to the fields and grabbed Hunter to talk with him. Everything was wrong....he was cold, he was tired (he also was up at 4:45 that morning), he was hungry, he wanted to go home, and again, "I don't know how to play soccer! I can't do it!!!"
He and I walked around the track for a bit, and again he returned, but sat and cried, pouted and complained on the ball.
Insert the world of unknowns and unimaginables: Autism Spectrum Disorders.
After a hard, long weekend, Monday was met with a challenging day in therapy (only used imbedded reinforcers, those not as favored activities, and the clinicians had seen more behaviors that day than they ever had. Tuesday began at 4:45AM with a Hunter wake-up call. Tuesday was a hard day at the private preschool, an extremely difficult soccer practice, and by Wednesday, I was ready to snap. Driving to pick up Hunter at school, this song came on the radio:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBDmUqp0JTU
I Won't Give Up, by Jason Mraz. Beautiful words, message, our motto. My personality doesn't seem to allow for quitting...and Peter and I, both being competitive athletes at a point in our lives (his much more successful than mine:)), typically don't give up. With Hunter, it is not possible TO quit. You have to have the drive to continue the journey. Autism is so hard for me because there is no answer, no end, no way to truly "control" every situation. Extrinsic factors, such as a loud siren, or an overwhelming bowling alley, can change a mood in a second.
The phrase, "I can't do it!" has been voiced often lately. We went to a bowling birthday party last weekend, and he initially didn't want to play. After he saw the other boys throwing the ball, he decided to put the shoes on and bowl. The first few times he did great. He actually threw a couple of spares!
After the sixth frame, he slipped in the shoes and fell to the floor. After that, he was finished. Tears, incessant crying, "I can't do this!" over and over again. The birthday boy's mother came up to him and was so sweet, and all Hunter could do was yell "I don't want to bowl!!" We skipped his turn and he decided to give it one more shot the next time around, but when he grabbed his ball, he just stood there and put his head down. I knew what was about to happen, so I went over to him, and he broke down. "I don't want to bowl...."
We took his shoes off and called it a day. I don't like to end an experience on a negative note, but on the other hand, when you are a guest at a party, you don't want to create a scene. On the way to the car, he continued to cry, but once we were in the car and he was buckled safely in, he returned to normal. We talked about how fun it is to try new things, and how proud I was that he attempted a new activity.
Tuesday was his first soccer practice. Peter decided to coach his team. We thought that if he was coach, Hunter would be more comfortable and more apt to take part in the activities. He was so excited- even put his shin guards on and foreign soccer cleats, all with no trouble. He looked so cute!
He drove with Peter and I followed closely behind, in case it didn't go as planned. When we arrived, I saw Peter chasing Hunter as he ran towards the street. I quickly took Paige and Peyton to the fields and grabbed Hunter to talk with him. Everything was wrong....he was cold, he was tired (he also was up at 4:45 that morning), he was hungry, he wanted to go home, and again, "I don't know how to play soccer! I can't do it!!!"
After he calmed down, we attempted to have him go back in. We never pressured him once, let him sit next to me until he was ready to join his friends, and finally he returned to practice kicks. He took one big, actually great, kick, and he was done again.
He and I walked around the track for a bit, and again he returned, but sat and cried, pouted and complained on the ball.
We were so upset that night...not mainly because he didn't participate, but that he thought he "couldn't do it." As heart-wrenching as it was to watch him run off the field, cry throughout the practice, and watch the new players' families stare and wonder, we both decided that night that we would not give up. We would bring him back to practice every week, and he didn't have to play, but he did have to watch his friends. Somewhere deep inside him, he is wired for athletics- we have seen it in other situations and both Peter and I love sports- but extrinsic factors make these experiences down right miserable.
At one point, I was taking pictures of the first practice for the team, and I didn't see him first dart from the stroller he was sitting in. I quickly asked a friend to watch Peyton and ran to catch up to him. He had stopped right at the end of the sidewalk, staring out in the street. As all of his friends were laughing, giggling, running around playing "get the ball from coach (who was also daddy)," Hunter was staring at the road.
"What are you doing buddy?"
"I just want to watch the cars."
Sigh. As all of his friends were having the best first practice, my son chose to watch the cars drive by. By himself. Amidst the tears. Shin guards on the ground. And breaking his parents' hearts.
The social piece of Autism is so hard for us, because we are both very outgoing people- we love to have a big group of friends around and enjoy a good time. Sports are a big part of our lives, too, but they don't have to be a part of Hunter's...however, we can't give up on the social aspect of life.
We will not give up. We will try and retry and try all over again until we are blue in the face and can say that we have done everything to spark that sweet personality that we enjoy so much...but is often overtaken by other sensory factors and most evidently, his anxiety.
Next Tuesday we will be at practice, suited up, and ready to try again.
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