yelling is no bueno
This week, we started Round Six of IVIG and today we finished the series of six consecutive infusions.
Can we get a victory clap?
Many emotions this week have led to a breakdown of some sort. We are still tired and recovering from a super fun vacation. We had to say goodbye to some of our best friends who are moving- never an easy thing to do! Peter started a new job this week, an impressive career move, but yet always stressful in the beginning. And I have been playing catch-up on therapy notes, laundry, and trying to complete my last visits before the month comes to a close.
Yesterday, my brain was signaling me to YELL. I didn't really understand it- it was almost if I couldn't control my volume. I kept apologizing to the kids, and after one instance when Hunter wouldn't give me back the ipad, he broke into tears and said, "You're not supposed to raise your voice at me!"
Ugh. Parent of the year award.
That night before bedtime, Paige looked at me and said, "Mommy? You don't seem like yourself today."
She was so right. I wasn't myself.
I think it started with worrying about our appointment on Friday. After talking with Dr. G's nurse Monday, she told me that Dr. G wanted to see us. We weren't originally scheduled until December.
Then I began working on the video I posted earlier, collecting pictures from infancy until the point when Hunter got sick for the first time. It was fun to see all of his cute baby pictures, but at the same time depressing when all of the memories of "normalcy" came back.
We looked so happy, so young, so carefree...we had the everyday stress that we all maintain, but worries of Autism, therapy, supplements, IVIG...you couldn't identify it in our eyes.
Or our smiles.
I remember telling myself back in the day I would NOT yell at my children. I would calmly handle all situations. I would walk away if I felt the need to yell, or find a task that get my frustrations out.
Of course, we all falter once in awhile. I would love to find the parent who never raises a voice, remains calm always, and can handle stressful situations- let me know your secret!
Most days, I can do it. I can hold a steady voice and God washes a steady hand over me to help me maintain composure.
But yesterday, I wasn't myself. I needed to get my anger and stress out and unfortunately, it was pushed on our kids.
The little look in their eyes was enough to remind me that I don't want to be that parent.
With everything going on in our world, they can't be broken with a mommy who yells.
Hunter has still not adjusted to the time change from our vacation. He was awake last night when I was putting the final additions into the video. I walked him upstairs for the tenth time to lay with him, and he held me super tight, told me he loved me, and smiled this mega-watt smile. I melted. The tears started and he said, "Mommy, are those happy tears?"
Those are the moments when I realize this kid just gets it. We may have lost some of his patience, his flexibility, his easy-going attitude...but we didn't lose his heart.
Taking a deep breath, and telling myself that I CAN do this. I can worry about today, worry about tomorrow, stress about the future...but I can't use yelling as my outlet.
Time to go for a run.
Can we get a victory clap?
Many emotions this week have led to a breakdown of some sort. We are still tired and recovering from a super fun vacation. We had to say goodbye to some of our best friends who are moving- never an easy thing to do! Peter started a new job this week, an impressive career move, but yet always stressful in the beginning. And I have been playing catch-up on therapy notes, laundry, and trying to complete my last visits before the month comes to a close.
Yesterday, my brain was signaling me to YELL. I didn't really understand it- it was almost if I couldn't control my volume. I kept apologizing to the kids, and after one instance when Hunter wouldn't give me back the ipad, he broke into tears and said, "You're not supposed to raise your voice at me!"
Ugh. Parent of the year award.
That night before bedtime, Paige looked at me and said, "Mommy? You don't seem like yourself today."
She was so right. I wasn't myself.
I think it started with worrying about our appointment on Friday. After talking with Dr. G's nurse Monday, she told me that Dr. G wanted to see us. We weren't originally scheduled until December.
Then I began working on the video I posted earlier, collecting pictures from infancy until the point when Hunter got sick for the first time. It was fun to see all of his cute baby pictures, but at the same time depressing when all of the memories of "normalcy" came back.
We looked so happy, so young, so carefree...we had the everyday stress that we all maintain, but worries of Autism, therapy, supplements, IVIG...you couldn't identify it in our eyes.
Or our smiles.
I remember telling myself back in the day I would NOT yell at my children. I would calmly handle all situations. I would walk away if I felt the need to yell, or find a task that get my frustrations out.
Of course, we all falter once in awhile. I would love to find the parent who never raises a voice, remains calm always, and can handle stressful situations- let me know your secret!
Most days, I can do it. I can hold a steady voice and God washes a steady hand over me to help me maintain composure.
But yesterday, I wasn't myself. I needed to get my anger and stress out and unfortunately, it was pushed on our kids.
The little look in their eyes was enough to remind me that I don't want to be that parent.
With everything going on in our world, they can't be broken with a mommy who yells.
Hunter has still not adjusted to the time change from our vacation. He was awake last night when I was putting the final additions into the video. I walked him upstairs for the tenth time to lay with him, and he held me super tight, told me he loved me, and smiled this mega-watt smile. I melted. The tears started and he said, "Mommy, are those happy tears?"
Those are the moments when I realize this kid just gets it. We may have lost some of his patience, his flexibility, his easy-going attitude...but we didn't lose his heart.
Taking a deep breath, and telling myself that I CAN do this. I can worry about today, worry about tomorrow, stress about the future...but I can't use yelling as my outlet.
Time to go for a run.
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| busting out of the hospital- |
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| ha! this kid cracks me up. hunter obviously didn't want his pic taken- maybe it was the jammies. |
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