looking for that perfect peace

It's already been a trying start to the week.  Late nights, document organization, lab reviews, completing timelines, all in preparation for our big appointment on Friday.  Sleep deprivation never helps the emotions.

It seems that the hardest of weeks always come full force.  It's not just one thing, it is a snowball.  It seems like everything that could go wrong culminates into one big gust of wind.  And it is trying so hard to not just knock me down, but blow me over. 

I went to a PANDAS support group last night.  Even though there were only three of us there, it was so helpful to discuss, share, and cry with these women who are going through some of the same struggles we are experiencing.  One of the moms was talking about IVIG and how she has saved that in her back pocket, as if after exhausting every other option, she could always go there.

but what if it doesn't work?  or what if something goes wrong?

All week I have told myself I need to find peace within.  I need to have the answer hit me so hard that I am breathless and realize that we know our direction.  Sunday I went for a long run and trusted Pandora to give me the sense of peace I needed to start the week off strong.  A song I have never heard by Laura Story came on, and it truly spoke to me.  "perfect peace."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UpfatdyFtY

"stay close by my side.  keep your eyes on me.  though this life is hard....I will give you perfect peace.  in this time of trial, pain that no one sees.  trust me when I say...I will give you perfect peace.  and you'll never walk alone.  and you'll never be in need.  though I may not calm the storms around you,  you can hide in me.
burdens that you bear,  offer no relief.  let me bear your load, cause I will give you perfect peace."

In trying to find my perfect peace, I am attempting to unload any other stresses.  My focus has to be on Hunter, and only on the preparation for one of the biggest decisions we will ever make. 

So I am looking to God to give me a sign, to give me a reason to trust in His will.   I know my stress level was higher than usual and I felt that panic button being hit several times.  My sister has taught me to "talk down" the anxiety, and it works like a charm.  Tonight, I put both Paige and Hunter to bed first, after a very trying day with Hunter.  I grabbed the opportunity to snuggle with a tired Peyton in the big bed and sing his most requested song, "Help me Find it."  In fact, he
has recently nicknamed the song "peace."  After a bit, he looked at me and said,

"Mama?  Hunter not nice to me."

I quickly looked at him and asked him, "What do you mean, Peyton?"

"Hunter mad, mama.  Hunter too loud."

ouch. 

I had to then counsel my two year old, so sweet and innocent, that his brother did in fact love him.  Love him more than he could possibly know.  And that hunter's "anger" wasn't directed at Peyton, and it was most definitely not because he didn't love him.

When things get really bad, and my head is swamped with emotion and confusion and instability, all I really need to do is look through the eyes of a child.  And realize that without taking a chance with IVIG, what will our quality of life look like?  Will my baby grow up thinking that his brother doesn't really love him?

I laid peyton in his crib, kissed him goodnight, and lay on the big bed for a few minutes. 

"mama?"

"yes, peyton?"

"paigee love me?"

"yes, peyton."

"hunter love me?"

"yes, peyton."

I got up and gave this sweet baby boy the biggest of kisses and I knew that the innocence of a child was about to once again bring me to my knees.  Paige wanting to use her magic wand to make Hunter play with her.  Paige wanting to know why her brother's brain is different than hers.  And Peyton wanting to know why his brother was always so angry and loud.

I saw our Priest at the back of church after Mass on Sunday.  I wasn't sure if he remembered us from the Mass of the Healing of the Sick, but I told him that we had a big week of medical appointments and decisions to make, and asked him to keep us in his prayers.  He immediately reached out to Hunter, lay his hand on his head, and asked God to bless us and give us peace throughout the week. 

I am fully trusting in God this week to "help me find" that "perfect peace."

Isaiah 54:13, The Eternal Covenant of Peace
¹³ All your children shall be taught by the Lord,
and great shall be the peace of your children.