coping with an answer
For the last three years, I have devoted my spare time to finding the cause to the neurological shift in my son. Don't get me wrong...I didn't deny my other children attention, I still continued to train and compete to accomplish my own personal goals, but TV was nonexistent and reading books for pleasure came to a screeching halt. Now that we have received the PANDAS diagnosis, I find my thoughts scattering to other questions.
WHY...
Ugh, how many posts have been about that nasty little word that I try and avoid?? I somehow found comfort in hearing that strep had triggered the Autism Spectrum Disorder. I'm not sure if I needed confirmation that it wasn't my fault, that I hadn't somehow done him wrong in the womb, or vaccinated him on schedule (too controversial to discuss here), given him the flu vaccine, or genetics had played the dominant role...but now that I can stop blaming myself, I try my best to not look for another to point the finger towards.
I read a blog by a fellow mother of a child with an ASD, on the Thinking Mom's Revolution, and she wrote about the role God has played in her life. She said that God did not will her child to have Autism, but he allowed it.
I think there are so many people who lose faith in the greater God when a tragedy occurs. How can you attempt to explain why someone who loves us all so much, would allow so much pain to consume a human being, or a family, or a nation?
There is a family who I read about on FB who had traveled to Dallas for the Thanksgiving holiday. On the way to the festivities, the father swerved to miss an erratic driver, and they slammed into a tree. His wife was killed instantly, and his daughter now is fighting for her life at a major hospital in the area.
How does one person handle so much grief?
I have heard countless times from others, "God only gives you as much as you can handle." Or, "You have been chosen to be his mother for a reason." I do find comfort in these phrases, but at the same time, did god will for me to raise a child with special needs?
Our world is not perfect. How mundane life would be if everyone talked alike, or looked similar, or had synonymous social skills. My child is unique in his own way, and for this I should be grateful to the Lord above.
Now that my mind is free from the "what" that impacted our family forever, the "why" seems to remain in the back of my mind. Grief is a three step process.
1) Acclimation and Adjustment
2) Emotional Immersion and Deconstruction (probably the period I am in now)
3) Reclamation and Reconciliation
Stage three is generally thought to be one marked by "recovery" from grief, according to self-help writings. As we attempt to recover our son, the task of recovering from the loss of normalcy can be just as daunting. Most importantly, we need to live in the present, and not focus on the past.
Live in the present.
Focus on the future.
Repeat.
WHY...
Ugh, how many posts have been about that nasty little word that I try and avoid?? I somehow found comfort in hearing that strep had triggered the Autism Spectrum Disorder. I'm not sure if I needed confirmation that it wasn't my fault, that I hadn't somehow done him wrong in the womb, or vaccinated him on schedule (too controversial to discuss here), given him the flu vaccine, or genetics had played the dominant role...but now that I can stop blaming myself, I try my best to not look for another to point the finger towards.
I read a blog by a fellow mother of a child with an ASD, on the Thinking Mom's Revolution, and she wrote about the role God has played in her life. She said that God did not will her child to have Autism, but he allowed it.
I think there are so many people who lose faith in the greater God when a tragedy occurs. How can you attempt to explain why someone who loves us all so much, would allow so much pain to consume a human being, or a family, or a nation?
There is a family who I read about on FB who had traveled to Dallas for the Thanksgiving holiday. On the way to the festivities, the father swerved to miss an erratic driver, and they slammed into a tree. His wife was killed instantly, and his daughter now is fighting for her life at a major hospital in the area.
How does one person handle so much grief?
I have heard countless times from others, "God only gives you as much as you can handle." Or, "You have been chosen to be his mother for a reason." I do find comfort in these phrases, but at the same time, did god will for me to raise a child with special needs?
Our world is not perfect. How mundane life would be if everyone talked alike, or looked similar, or had synonymous social skills. My child is unique in his own way, and for this I should be grateful to the Lord above.
Now that my mind is free from the "what" that impacted our family forever, the "why" seems to remain in the back of my mind. Grief is a three step process.
1) Acclimation and Adjustment
2) Emotional Immersion and Deconstruction (probably the period I am in now)
3) Reclamation and Reconciliation
Stage three is generally thought to be one marked by "recovery" from grief, according to self-help writings. As we attempt to recover our son, the task of recovering from the loss of normalcy can be just as daunting. Most importantly, we need to live in the present, and not focus on the past.
Live in the present.
Focus on the future.
Repeat.
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| Hunter at 3 years |
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