I've got a feeling...

No, not singing the Black Eyed Peas (although I do love that song).

Maybe I should sing Bob Marley's, "everything's gonna be alright."  

We have entered the two-week post IVIG period where last treatment schedule we saw a huge growth.  I mean, parenting seems easy!  This morning was a little rough because his OCD wouldn't let him leave a Perler bead square he was making for his teacher (yes, you read that correctly- he was doing a CRAFT this morning before school) and he couldn't find the neon McQueen he was wanting- so we ended up splitting cars as Peter raced Paige to school to avoid a tardy...but this week has been pretty incredible.  

I mean, he did this in Art:

-

And he did this in PE:

-entered the gym; participated in the entrance; jogged 7 laps; wrote his numbers on the chart; played the tag game (which required sharing); did yoga

And then his teacher emailed me last Friday:

Umm would it be ok to call you? Hunter wanted to tell you about his AWESOME day!

And then his Swim Instructor emailed me this on Saturday:

OMG HUNTER DID SOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The key is, pretend not to watch.  He did ALL big scoops and kicks and side breathing for the reward of jumping of the diving board each time he did a length of the pool like a big boy.  He even helped me teach another boy with ASD how to do the diving board.  We did not have one single episode of ugliness – YAY!!!!!

This boy is kicking butt and taking names.  Peter took all the kids to the Homecoming parade this week and they sat on the sidewalk and watched all the floats- and there were no issues (well, until he ate all his candy in the car and then melted down from eating all that artificial crappola and being exhausted) while I was at work.  We went outside and rode bikes after dinner last night, and there wasn't one "I AM THE WINNER!" or "how dare you" when Peyton came in first.  I actually had a full conversation with my neighbors as my two boys rode up and down the street.  

So what kind of feeling do I have?  Trying to put my finger on it.  Happy? Of course.  Surprised? A little.  Content? Well, won't quite feel that until we have recovered him.  

What is the right word? 

Today, I am thinking it is relief.

I am relieved to know that we placed him in a school that not only believed in their mission, but believes in Hunter.  

I am relieved to know that IVIG has worked, is working, and will hopefully continue to work.

I feel relief at night- we aren't google searching every night.  I am not combing through my FB support group, reading bits of every post to find something I haven't tested, haven't tried, or haven't researched.  

I feel relief in the amount of flexibility that has been slowly coming back into our lives.  I would never in a million years have dreamed of taking Hunter to run an errand in years past.  I would have rather gone grocery shopping at midnight than take him with me to the store.  Now, I confidently know that I am not confined to our house or planned activities.  We can roll without a picture schedule.

I am relieved to know that this child knows happiness again.  Wednesday after school, I couldn't stop the giggles that were coming from the snack table.  All three of my children were joking with one another and he not only was a participant, but an active member of the shenanigans that were taking place.

With this relief, I have been feeling these little calls, thoughts, moments--

to figure out what direction this life is taking me.  

I know Hunter's PANDAS and Autism have come into our lives as part of a bigger picture.  And I have always felt that I would be an active participant in advocacy for other families like us.  But now I am trying to figure out which road I go down, whether it is as small as leading a support group, or continuing to lecture about living with a child with Autism...

or maybe just 'be.'

Be a mom again, able to fully enjoy these little moments that I have missed over the past few years when I was searching for answers.  

Paige and I spent the past weekend with our dear friends in DC (more pics to follow).  As I watched this beautiful family interact with one another and truly enjoy every opportunity for a memory, I also was reminded that this time in our lives only comes once.  I get one chance to live their childhood fully present, not behind a mask of worry and stress.  

The definition of "relief" is a feeling of reassurance and relaxation following a release from anxiety or stress."

Time to file away the worry-

"those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint (Isaiah 40:31)."