How to Heal (when faced with Autism)
Ever since Hunter has started his IVIG phase of this fight against Autism, he has healed a bit more with each infusion. His Vitiligo has almost disappeared. His incessant tantrums have substantially reduced, and he actually started to WANT to be involved with our family. He wanted to experience happiness.
Healing his brain inflammation also healed his heart.
However, there were other hearts that needed to heal.
Paige and Peyton started to interpret their brother's mood swings, amazingly predict when things were about to go down, and used to resent the long car rides and appointments during the early days of this journey. Once Hunter began to ask the two of them to play, to inquire about things other than Lightning McQueen or Thomas the Train, and truly have fun with his siblings, the resentment started to fade. Peyton recently has told me his "best buddy is Hunter." Such a long road from the nights he used to tell me he thought Hunter didn't like him because he was mad all the time.
Our hearts, as parents of this sweet boy, needed to heal. The grieving process is a confusing thing- one day you feel like you can conquer the world, and then other days you want to hide under your covers and not wake up until the nightmare has ended.
But once Hunter started to heal, this humongous weight seemed to be lifted from our shoulders. We had found the "magician," we had walked down the right path, and we saw our deepest wishes and prayers coming true, right before our eyes.
Earlier in our journey, I spent too many hours researching, comparing, note taking, feeling guilty, feeling lonely, and having doubts about the adversity we would need to win this fight. I remember one Lent I "gave up" Autism- not in its entirety, obviously, but I stopped blaming Hunter's difficulties on Autism in an attempt to truly see the picture before us. For if I believed his Autism developed due to an illness gone wrong, then Autism shouldn't be the excuse...I had to focus on the true antagonist.
Starting kindergarten this year, I had a hard time letting go of the control I had for the past few years. I had a therapist in his preschool classrooms who could give me hourly updates on the situations in the school. I attended every out of the ordinary event to prevent breakdowns. But when your kids go to "big school," you have to let go. You can't be there for every assembly, every schedule change, or every hard time- your big kid has to learn to cope on his own. With the help of an incredible staff, Hunter has gone from being pulled out of the car in the morning car loop, to running into the gym to be first in line. This week, Peyton and I spied Hunter on the playground while we were out for a run and he was swinging so high, pumping his own legs...and I realized he still makes us push him on the swings.
We contribute (knowingly or unknowingly) to his difficulties when we don't step back...
when we coddle and protect too much...
when we don't give him a chance to do it own his own...
to learn from his mistakes...
and most importantly, experience that intrinsic motivation we all get when we do something challenging successfully.
This week, I told myself that I would give up Autism during the school day. I would focus solely on my "baby" and give him the attention that he has deserved for so long.
And you know what? We had an amazing week. I am so in love with the four year old stage- for all of my kids, it has to be one of my favorite ages. Peyton is so sweet, so adventurous, so eager to learn and, even more importantly, yearning to play with his mama. I recommend to my speech parents that they should do at least 20 minutes of floor time 3x/day with your child. If you sit there and add it up, do you actually accomplish that seemingly small goal every day? I know I don't. In between daily activities, chores, appointments, it makes it difficult to soak up those important moments with your child. This week, M/W/F were Peyton's days- and we made the most of it.
So for all of my new parents going through this journey...you need to take care of your own heart and self to have energy for your special needs child. You have to let go of Autism for moments of the day, to truly be able to give all of yourself to your other children, your spouse, your work, or yourself.
I feel like I heal more and more every day with this little boy...
...who makes you remember the creative mom you used to be...
...the patient mom you used to be...
...the focused parent you used to be...
...the playful mom you used to be...
...the mom who is still in there, trying to get out of the shadows of the once, all encompassing Autism.
Heal your child, heal yourself.
Duck pond park- we fed the ducks...
but found the turtles were actually more interesting!
We took a playground break...
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and found the neighborhood crane!
And then had to head back to see these turtles...dozens of them, lined up on the shore to sunbathe..
Daddy lunch dates! He had his "spy goggles" out to find Daddy among the others...
and found Daddy's big Skittles jar...
Healing Begins: Tenth Avenue North
https://youtu.be/Qe1yKciSlT4
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Healing his brain inflammation also healed his heart.
However, there were other hearts that needed to heal.
Paige and Peyton started to interpret their brother's mood swings, amazingly predict when things were about to go down, and used to resent the long car rides and appointments during the early days of this journey. Once Hunter began to ask the two of them to play, to inquire about things other than Lightning McQueen or Thomas the Train, and truly have fun with his siblings, the resentment started to fade. Peyton recently has told me his "best buddy is Hunter." Such a long road from the nights he used to tell me he thought Hunter didn't like him because he was mad all the time.
Our hearts, as parents of this sweet boy, needed to heal. The grieving process is a confusing thing- one day you feel like you can conquer the world, and then other days you want to hide under your covers and not wake up until the nightmare has ended.
But once Hunter started to heal, this humongous weight seemed to be lifted from our shoulders. We had found the "magician," we had walked down the right path, and we saw our deepest wishes and prayers coming true, right before our eyes.
Earlier in our journey, I spent too many hours researching, comparing, note taking, feeling guilty, feeling lonely, and having doubts about the adversity we would need to win this fight. I remember one Lent I "gave up" Autism- not in its entirety, obviously, but I stopped blaming Hunter's difficulties on Autism in an attempt to truly see the picture before us. For if I believed his Autism developed due to an illness gone wrong, then Autism shouldn't be the excuse...I had to focus on the true antagonist.
Starting kindergarten this year, I had a hard time letting go of the control I had for the past few years. I had a therapist in his preschool classrooms who could give me hourly updates on the situations in the school. I attended every out of the ordinary event to prevent breakdowns. But when your kids go to "big school," you have to let go. You can't be there for every assembly, every schedule change, or every hard time- your big kid has to learn to cope on his own. With the help of an incredible staff, Hunter has gone from being pulled out of the car in the morning car loop, to running into the gym to be first in line. This week, Peyton and I spied Hunter on the playground while we were out for a run and he was swinging so high, pumping his own legs...and I realized he still makes us push him on the swings.
We contribute (knowingly or unknowingly) to his difficulties when we don't step back...
when we coddle and protect too much...
when we don't give him a chance to do it own his own...
to learn from his mistakes...
and most importantly, experience that intrinsic motivation we all get when we do something challenging successfully.
This week, I told myself that I would give up Autism during the school day. I would focus solely on my "baby" and give him the attention that he has deserved for so long.
And you know what? We had an amazing week. I am so in love with the four year old stage- for all of my kids, it has to be one of my favorite ages. Peyton is so sweet, so adventurous, so eager to learn and, even more importantly, yearning to play with his mama. I recommend to my speech parents that they should do at least 20 minutes of floor time 3x/day with your child. If you sit there and add it up, do you actually accomplish that seemingly small goal every day? I know I don't. In between daily activities, chores, appointments, it makes it difficult to soak up those important moments with your child. This week, M/W/F were Peyton's days- and we made the most of it.
So for all of my new parents going through this journey...you need to take care of your own heart and self to have energy for your special needs child. You have to let go of Autism for moments of the day, to truly be able to give all of yourself to your other children, your spouse, your work, or yourself.
I feel like I heal more and more every day with this little boy...
...who makes you remember the creative mom you used to be...
...the patient mom you used to be...
...the focused parent you used to be...
...the playful mom you used to be...
...the mom who is still in there, trying to get out of the shadows of the once, all encompassing Autism.
Heal your child, heal yourself.
Fun playdates with buddies!
Yes, something only a third child would be allowed to do...
Duck pond park- we fed the ducks...
and found the neighborhood crane!
 |
| I did NOT tell him to pose. Oh boy. |
And then those sweet turtles were just way too much of a tease, sitting so calmly on the side...
Daddy lunch dates! He had his "spy goggles" out to find Daddy among the others...
Did a little work...
 |
| I have a picture just like this of Hunter back in the day |
and drew his family among Daddy's numbers...
And then enjoyed a pancake as big as his head...
...and his cute little antics.
Love our precious, precious time with this little one.
Healing Begins: Tenth Avenue North
https://youtu.be/Qe1yKciSlT4
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
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